The Prettiest Girl on the Internet

Since U Been Gone....

2005-11-01T17:11:00.000-08:00

I've been away for awhile, and I'm sorry.

Stupid work. Stupid short attention span.

I'll run down some stats for you.

Since last post:
Emails: 12
# Worth Mentioning: 2
# of grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors in those 12 emails: 104. That I counted. For the love of GOD, people.
# of certificates received: 1

# of bands asking to be her friend: 87
# of bands that didn't blow: 0

The two that do deserve mention will get their 15 minutes a little later.

My shot at the big time....

2005-09-29T17:33:00.000-07:00

I always knew that when I moved to Hollywood that I'd be discovered. I just didn't know it'd be like this. A casting agent for MTV's DATE MY MOM contacted My Little Angel. Weird Name Girl said that I was "gorgeous" and that I look like "so much fun." Our current casting schedule is Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for the next two weeks, so if you can come down with your mom during any of those days it would be perfect. The sooner you can get down here, the better your chances of getting on the show- but honestly, I wouldn't worry about it, as long as your mom can speak english, you're in!

My mom can speak English! My big break! I'm sending my headshot right over!

This is the greatest day of my life...

2005-09-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me. I was just minding my own business, impersonating a girl online as a sociological experiment, when a girl wrote me. She's a LESBIAN. How cool is that?

CF, Los Angeles, CA

2005-09-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

My Little Angel was FEATURED on a personals site!

My so-called friends....

2005-09-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

So My Little Angel's "friend" C-Murda, who goes to junior college somewhere in Orange County, decided to wax philosophic on September 11th. He writes:

intoczidated

HOLYCTARAP IT'S SEPTERMBER 11TH~! HOLY SWHITE

NO ITS SEPTEMBER 11TH TODAY OACCORDING TO MYSPACE

WHYS MY CAPSON. I am drunk

ok so i said "i should writ ea drunk entry." to jenna and i said "what should i write about? she said "write about how much you love me>@" so i said ok. end of styory. so yeah anyway, what;'s up/?

ok i hadlike 28 beers. it was manuy alcohols. hahaha jewnna is laughing.we almost got arrested buyt wemade it. "shuit we made it son!?"

yes! good job team!

wow i'm gone

I love the internet.

Spam

2005-09-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I got a friend request from a girl, which immediately started the ol' screenwriter noodle a'spinnin' on some real-life romantic comedy where we fall in love, and I have to get Seaeana to pretend she's her and I hide in the bushes and I get arrested and her ex-boyfriend is crazy and she's in love with a fire fighter and my nose is unslightly and that causes me great insecurity in dating and no one will work with me because I'm such a perfectionist and I dress up like a woman and work on a soap and I fall in love with Jessica Lange and Dabney Coleman and Charles Durning are running around doing God-Knows-What until finally we all Learn Our Lesson and maybe, just maybe I'd get laid before I die.

But that's not what happened.

This girl, I'm guessing, is a stock image of a girl, probably being used with a license from the stock agency. If not, it's a headshot some guy found and scanned in.

And her profile, it's mostly talking about something called "Top Online Surveys" and something about a jazz club and being lazy.

What's this world coming to when a guy can't even pretend to be a girl online and troll for guys to make fun of without getting spam.

Antreas Creepyopolous

2005-09-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

This guy that wrote her Wednesday morning is just the kind of guy that I hoped would write. Namely, foreigners with a hilariously poor grasp of English.

Some of my favorite things about Aristotle O'Jackass.

best 3 things u prefer on women?HUMOR,NICE FACE,AND...SEXY BOOBS...

Everyone loves sexy boobs.

ass or boobs?oh,asses sorry, but i prefer boobs!

Yeah, bummer, asses. Sorry. Maybe next year.

love parents?of course,who dasn't?

Those Menendez Brothers, Courtney Love's daughter, this guy I went to high school with who wandered the halls for a whole afternooon screaming "FUCK YOU, DAD!" That's just people off the top of my head.

ever been drunk?yes,who dasnt specially on his teen age?

I can't remember what I dasnt on my teen age, but thungs are fozzy

what did u do when u was drunk?everything crazy u can imagine!!!

This guy raped a sea lion and drank a bottle of drano while killing a baby? WOW.

how can a woman attract u?being 1)sexy 2)not shy 3)herself

If only he can find a girl who answered: being 1)cheesy 2)oily 3)eurotrash

music?i am rock,and pls dont be afraid of that!

Like, you're the Thing, or you're into The Pixies?

what dont women like on u?that i am very straight and honest

I'm guessing there's more.

ever thought to have sex with your friend's g/f?no,of course not,dont ever ask that again!

Easy, pal, it's just a MySpace questionnaire. Someone's a little touchy. Jeez.

what dont u like at women?pretend shy,and say:dont like sex etc

Once, this girl I was talking to at a party said "dont like sex etc," so I punched her.

Please, Aristotle, more info about yourself:

Who I'd like to meet:
sexy and cute women! girls from all over the world,ladies who knows to be sexy and smart too.... please girls,have a lot of pics to send me,and a cam to see u online.... (there are a lot of some gays-guys who plays it as a woman,that s why i asked for it)

Thank you for defining "gays" for us.

! something more! i am who i am, dont try to change me,but to love me as i am! and try to remember! GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN,BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!!!! so...i;d like to meet every woman,who is over 1 metre and 75 cm, (preferred red hair,but it is not "rule"),big boobs,and of course camera! if u are similar to this,add me girls! (if u are not,add me too,i am just kidding,ok?) oh,and u can rank me, until now,i have ranked over 200 women, i want to know how the ppl find me, nice or not.... kisses xxx ps: MONICA BELUCCi,she is the perfect girl,who can say no about it?

You want to meet every woman? Have you seen every woman? Oh, sorry. They have to be over 1 meter 75 cm (approximately 7'3" in non-commie metric system), big boobs, and a camera. Whew! Good for him for narrowing it down.

And good news for blonde, brunette, and raven, he'll probably make an exception if you have sexy boobs.

Here's the email I got from Aristotle O'Jackass

have i told u how sexy u are?
yes?
no,a woman like u must hear it VERY OFTEN U ARE VERY SEXY....

Actually, a woman like me doesn't hear it often enough.

Here's how she replied:

Thanks...you're pretty special yourself.

I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance...

2005-09-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sure if she were a real girl, My Little Angel would be blushing right now.

Since I put up Seaeana's picture, she's been getting a deluge of emails, from gentlement both creepy and disgusting.

The first was harmless enough (see previous post). Then an email from RAMO, whose name I'll bet you can figure out if you think backwards or are dyslexic, asks me to "hang out. " More on Ramo later.

Then some other jackass "Shirtless Loser," let's call him, emails her. His note is harmless, "What's up?," but then I look at his profile. His primary reason for being on the site is, as he puts it:

"what me and my girl are are looking for is a girl to either join us or one on onegirls only!!!well i'm 25,i was married divorced now.shit i guss doesnt work out the way you want it to in life,i'm a plumber i'm really forward and i'm like every other guy same old same old....but on here i'm not fake like most of the other people if we talk i dont lie i have nothing to hide...If you want to chat im me AIM."

Who does he want to meet?

"well lets see a chic that wont cheat wont stab me in the back.I like wild chics girls that are up for anything.i want a girl to like me for who i am. Look i was married before so i kinda have an idea how to treat girls.but i didnt force her to cheat on me..and not to scare anyone off but BI girls are the best if not thats cool just be wild!! OH yeah just because i say i like bi girls doesnt mean thats all i want...I'd just rather have a women thats want to love me for me.and i hate chics that are into themselfs nasty its a turn off..Also my girlfirnd is BI wand no we arent looking 4 a 3some just one on one well girl on girl...."

He's the kind of guy I warned her about.

I replied "Well, dude, I'm actually a dude, but I'll glady "do" your girlfriend."

Not really.

The next guy that wrote me will definitely get his own post. And probably his own chapter in the book.

What a difference a photo makes

2005-09-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

I put a photo of My Little Angel up and 13 minutes later, I get a bite.

This guy is pretty vanilla. He likes the outdoors. I'll bet he also likes wine and the beach.

Even though she did pretty well without a photo, I think these images will provide the needed boost she needs to get dirty photos from all sorts of creeps.

She's ALIVE!!!

2005-09-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Finally, My Little Angel has a face. My roommate, let's call her "Seaeana," was kind enough to provide a couple of photos for the cause.

Here's hoping this'll reel in more scumbags.

Not the way to do it, gents

2005-09-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

"This isn't a post about my little angel, but a very close friend of mine, who happens to be friends with both of us.

This friend, let's call her "Janie Lee Nauldin," is an innocuous MySpace user. She is admittedly hot, but Janie doesn't have crazy ho pictures of her wearing some ass floss while stroking a white cat on a chez lounge.

Still she gets this:

I don't typically associate with people who do anything sexual for 100, and what's more, I would never even think to ask a random stranger if they would do anything sexual for 100.

A little while later, sweet Janie Nauldin gets this:

The content of the email was pretty standard creepy older guy fare, at least from what I've found from this little experiment.

"SUBJECT:Lookin good , Girlie...
Please do let me know if you'd be interested in a little SwimClub mischief sometime.

Love to have cocktails and a chat if you're interested."

Then I checked out Hunter S. Jackass*'s profile and two photos caught my eye. I learned two things from these photos:
* not his real name

1: If you're a bald, creepy, out of shape middle aged man, don't hit on 25 year old girls. It will never work. EVER.

2: If you're a bald, creepy, out of shape middle aged man hitting on 25 year old girls, don't point out that you're a bald, creepy, out of shape middle aged man that's going to steal the paper. No one likes a paper thief.

A New Friend

2005-09-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

My little angel's a week old today, and she's off and running.

She has 33 friends on MySpace, has recieved three emails from random perverts, two of which could physically be her father (if she existed).

It's been a good week, but there's a new guy on the block.

OK...so this guy's 19, two years younger than my precious angel from heaven, no foul there.

He's wearing a tuxedo in his photo, he's got class.

The shotgun's going back in the cabinet.

Meet "The Littlest Suitor"

Like most young people today, his writing method is less a meaningful construction of thoughts and more a sort of vomiting on the keyboard, but hey, everyone's doing it, and my girl didn't get where she is on her smarts.

So I ask him to be her friend.

Minutes later, I get this:

I was getting a haircut at this time, so I was unable to chat.

As I go back to the main page, I see that The Littlest Suitor has left a comment.

This guy's total stalkerazzi.

Then, at the moment I was doing a screen capture, my friend, let's call him "Jeremy," messages me. We've been talking about Anthony Hopkins movies, but he doesn't know what's going on with The Littlest Suitor. (Full disclosure, he does know about the project)

He mentions "Meet Joe Black," a movie I'm vaguely familiar with. Now, The Littlest Suitor, as I said before, is wearing a tuxedo in his profile picture.

Hold the phone. Brad Pitt (as Death) wore a tuxedo in Meet Joe Black.

The Littlest Suitor is wearing a tuxedo.

Death wears a tuxedo. Therefore...

This guy isn't stalkerazzi at all. He's death.

Holy Shit, a guy with less game than me.

2005-08-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

So my lack of skills with the ladies is the stuff of legend in some cultures, a myth on par with the tale of the Jason and the Golden Fleece or Mr. Ed the Talking Horse.

But this guy, sheesh.

I'm not going to reveal his username, but it's stupid and cheesy.

"Just came across your profile and wanted to say hi."?? That's the best you got for a 19 year old bisexual girl who just moved to LA? Come on, man.

"How's your day going?" HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

This just pisses me off, mainly because I see how I come across now.

dammit.

Be careful what you wish for...

2005-08-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

So I vaguely remember hoping against hope that Captain Jailbait would reply to my little angel, and today that dream came true.

"I know I am looking for FUN! I just want to find an attractive women that is not affraid [sic] to cut loose and have fun, is that you??"

Well, I'm not "affraid" to cut loose, but strikes one, two and three on all other counts, señor.

He then takes the direct approach.

"...if so what's your number let's talk." [sic]

Yeah, let's do that. Wait by the phone.

I also figured something out that's been bothering me. He's always looked familar, but since I probably don't hang with the same crowd as our unshaven friend, I grudgingly accepted that I didn't know him.

But then, as I was wistfully staring at his photo while writing "Mr. Mrs. Captain Jailbait" in my diary last night, I realized that he shares the eyes of the Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks.

I just...I...Wow.

2005-08-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

I didn't know what to expect when I started this whole thing, but I definitely didn't expect this.

As a guy, I know what guys will do to get laid, etc etc, it's usually not pretty or classy or any other positive adjective except for effective. But I'm learning a lot about the sheer volume and intensity that women have to wade through every day just to get across the parking lot to their cars.

I received this email today at lunch. Here's what caught my eye immediately.

1) No photo. Why would someone put up a personals ad without a photo. Oh yeah, right. Maybe I'll ask for one.

2) 37! They just get older and older.

3) His subject line is "Creative and normal self pleasure partner wanted. OK, couple things:
a) Normal self-pleasure partner. All right, I saw Kinsey and I know there's no such thing as "normal," but if you're willing to go to town on yourself in a room with a guy you met online who didn't have a picture on his profile, then I'm guessing you ain't the most normal rose in the dozen.
b) It reads like a form letter. Is this guy just putting out a shotgun blast of any woman on the site that might be willing to chastize the man in the boat with him in the same room.
c) What's creative about that? Do you want to paint or do interpretive dance on breaks?

4) He "winked" at her. On this particular site, you can "wink" at people, meaning they pay to contact you instead of the other way around. He's not even willing to spend the buck or however much it is to find some skank to flog the dolphin with.

You cheap, dirty old bastard. For shame...for shame...

-------------------------------------------------------------

In his profile, our mystery skeeze says that the "few" times he's done "this," it's been "quite hot."

I say, old chap, I wonder if he'd think the same this time.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Ah, The Old "Broken Scanner" routine

2005-08-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

So, against my upbringing, better judgement, and grossometer, I replied to creepy 36 year old.

I told him that my "scanner" is "broken." In his last email, he asked if I was looking for a date or just some fun. Had I responded truthfully, I would have said "I'm actually looking for creeps like you to make fun of, and hopefully make some money off of your crapulence."

Here's hoping he writes back.

I feel so dirty...

2005-08-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

OK. Wow.

My little angel is barely a day old and already some creep sends her a message.

1) This guy is 36. 36! He has no business asking a 21 year-old girl that JUST MOVED TO LA if she wants to have some fun.

2) She currently doesn't even have a picture up. I've found a mascot, but it'll be awhile before I can get photos and put them up. But when I do, I'm sure I'll be creeped out a lot more.

3) What a douchebag!

4) I was online for a good few months before I got any random creepy emails. I am officially jealous of a fictional person.

5) From this guy's profile under the "You" section, as in what he wants in someone, he specified he's looking for a Christian. But he also said he wanted someone between 25-40, so I guess all that's out the window.

6) He's 36!

7) He didn't even shave for his picture. I'm not putting it up because I'm not a dick, but for godsakes man!

8) OK, that was kind of gay.

9) Seriously? You want a Christian Fuck-buddy?

10) For his "More About What I'm Looking For" section, our friend wrote "Someone that is not too serious and feels the need to keep up an "image"! Still take care of yourself and look good but be able to laugh at your mistakes and enjoy life. Can I go now?"

I wonder if captain jailbait here will be able laugh at the fact that he just hit on a dude.

Day 1

2005-08-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

She hasn't even been on for 24 hours yet, and she has 6 friends. Granted, some are bands, but still, for a fake girl, she's doing well.

I sent about a dozen requests to people, some of my real friends, some groups with names like "Party Central SoCal" and pictures of girls in thongs and low-cut T-shirts.

We're through the looking glass, people.

It's a GIRL!

2005-08-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

We're proud to annouce the birth of the prettiest girl on the Internet. She was born today at 12:38 p.m. in Los Angeles, CA. Look for her online.